I Choose to Agree with Him, Too.

"It's God who sees beauty in everything. I just choose to agree with Him."

This quote comes from Sweetpea Beauty, a Veggie Tales video that I watched while rocking Addie yesterday while she was so sick. The quote challenged my understanding of how we see beauty. As it turns out, seeing beauty in things is a choice. It is a choice to be in agreement with God. It is a choice to take him at his word. It is a choice to have our attitudes and beliefs be in alignment with what he says is true.

This quote also showed me that real beauty isn't always obvious to the casual (or passive) observer; we often need to deliberately seek beauty out because it won't just knock us upside the head all the time. The more we practice this, the easier it will become, I think. The more we look at the world and the people in it with the eyes of Christ, the more we'll see what he sees--even in ourselves.

So today, I'm choosing to agree with God and to believe that what He says about beauty (even my own) is actually true. A risk worth taking, I believe--for myself, yes, but also (and perhaps more importantly) for my daughter who will learn from me.

I'll leave you with the song "Beautiful for Me" by Nicole Nordeman (which was featured in Sweetpea Beauty). It moved me to tears when I saw this version of it because I pictured my own daughter twirling around like this, innocently dancing in the freedom that comes from knowing deep down that she is captivating. I challenge you to not just listen to the words, but to choose to agree with them and live them out--for yourself, and for your daughters.

Project 31 Day 17: Write about three things that make you happy.

Only three things? That is difficult. There are many, many things that make me happy, from finding a long-forgotten $5 bill in my coat pocket to having God speak very directly to me. After writing this, I realize that when I focus on the things that make me happy, I somehow forget about the things that don't make me happy. Perhaps I should write about things that make me happy more often. It might change my attitude a bit, which would be good since it is begging for a change these days. (Hmm. Do I hear a "Happiness Project" coming up?)

Anyway, when I started writing this afternoon, here were the first three things that came to my mind. In no particular order of "how happy" these make me, here is my list for today:

1. It makes me happy to watch dads love on and delight in their kids. I've always loved watching this, but now it's even more fun since I get to watch my husband with his daughter. It brings a smile to my face when I see men soften at the sight of their kids. Whenever I see a father who's totally in love with his children, it gives me hope that things aren't so bad after all. Plus, it reminds me that my Father in heaven loves me even more than those dads love their kids. Mind blowing.

2. It makes me happy when the kitchen is clean. There's something satisfying about a clean, organized kitchen. There's something very annoying about a dirty kitchen. Besides, when you love to cook as much as I do, a dirty kitchen is often a hindrance to the creative process. (Yes, for me, cooking is a creative outlet. I know it's a loathsome chore for some, but not for me. It's my haven.) It makes me even happier when someone else does the dishes.

3. My husband makes me happy. He is pretty much awesome, and he makes me happy in so many ways every day. No, he's not the romantic hero of an epic love story who sweeps me off my feet every day (cause let's face it, that would get a little boring after awhile), but by being in my life, he makes my every day extraordinary. Even on days when our lives get busy and we get sidetracked with a thousand things that get in the way of focusing on us, he still makes me happy. He makes me laugh, he loosens me up, and he reminds me that I don't have to be so serious all the time. He makes me proud because he is a man of integrity, ingenuity, passion and commitment. He is goofy, intelligent, quirky, and talented; he is handsome, stylish, romantic and artistic. But when I first met him, I didn't see any of those things. It took a long time for me to wake up to the wonderful man that he is. I'm happy to say that I still often find myself looking at him from across the room thinking to myself, "How did I ever miss this? He makes me so happy."

Project 31 Day 16: Write a letter to your daughter, or a young girl in your life. Tell her what beauty means.

My little Adeline,

Right now it’s hard to imagine you as anything but the adorable little bug you are. When I used to dream about you, I always pictured a cute little peanut, but I never imagined that you’d be this beautiful. I don’t think my mind really understood what beauty is until you were born. 


You are beautiful because you are. Simply because you live and breathe, you are beautiful. Your smile is breathtaking, your laugh intoxicating, and your eyes are mesmerizing. When I watch you, I am in complete and utter awe at the fact that you exist, and that God chose to give you to your Daddy and me. You are a gift from his heart to ours.

I want you to remember something always: beauty is not something to work for, strive for, or pay for. The "perfect" body, flawless makeup, or a great outfit or accessory may help you feel pretty, but it will be temporary. Real beauty simply is. When your heart and spirit is full of life, when you embrace the glory of who God made you to be, that is being beautiful. Right now, beauty is not a concept you could even begin to understand, and yet, deep down inside of you I know you have a natural and innocent knowing of what beauty really is. I see it when you discover something new, when your gaze gets caught on something that particularly strikes your fancy. When something catches your eye and you study it and smile at it and get excited over the fact that it is there, there is beauty in that. There is beauty in the way you delight in being delighted in. There is beauty in the way you discover the world anew each day, facing the morning with a smile so bright it betrays the joy that’s in your heart.

As you grow up, your ideas about beauty will be challenged because we live in an imperfect world where truth is distorted. You’ll be faced messages about beauty that will toy with your mind and mock you, messages that will twist the way you see and understand what beauty really is. Don’t let it. Don’t let yourself slip into believing the lie that you’re not enough. You are enough, just as you are. When you find yourself being challenged by what the world has to say about you, or about beauty, or about what it means to be a woman, remember what God says about it and focus on that instead. Remember this verse: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Phillipians 4:8. What is true is who you are, at the heart of you.

Your name means "Pleasant; of the nobility. Noble. From the Old German 'athal' meaning noble." We named you Adeline after your Great Grandma Maier, but it truly is an appropriate name for you. After all, you are "of the nobility" because you are a daughter of the King. And the King is enthralled by your beauty, Addie. If you don't believe me, ask Him. He'll tell you, just like He told me. 


I am so full of hope for you, my dear little Addie Grace. Great things lay ahead for you, and I can’t wait to watch as you blossom more fully into the beautiful you God designed you to be. I’m so happy I get to be your mom. I love you, sweet baby girl.

I need to vent. Big time.

Addie's sick. Again. She's not even four months old and already she's spent more time at home, sick, than I have in the last year.  I know her little body easily succumbs to icky germs a lot easier than my body does. It doesn't surprise me. But didn't she just get over this nasty cold, like, a week ago?

To further complicate things, the daycare provider has a son of her own, just about a year old now, who has gotten sick, too. Between her own illnesses and her son's, we've had to skip daycare a few times above and beyond Addie's own sickness. I've spent so much time away from work this month that I can't figure out why I'm still working at all. If money is the reason, then that reason is shot this month. The only way we've been able to make things work is that Joey's been able to pick up extra clinic hours here and there (thank you Jesus). But the problem with that is he rarely sees his daughter. The only real time he gets to spend with her lately is in the middle of the night when he's changing her diaper. Makes my heart break a little bit each time I think about that.


Anyway, tonight there are so many worries on my mind and in my heart clouding up my thoughts and messing with my emotions. They tested Addie for whooping cough today. They don't think that's what she has, but they wanted to make sure, just in case since there is, after all, an epidemic of it in California right now. Talk about scary. Every time I hear her stir tonight, or cough in her sleep, or gasp for air after a coughing bout, my eyes smart as I try to blink back the tears.

And yet, I know that worrying won't get me anywhere. I know where I should cast my cares (I have), I know who I should run to with all this (I did), and I know who, ultimately, will take care of Addie, of us. In 1 Peter 5:7 it gives us a clear message for what we should do in times like these: "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you" (NLT). And I know he does. But it just feels like we're doing everything we know how to do to rely on God and trust in His timing, but we find ourselves spinning and dizzy from the crazy things that get thrown in our path.

The thing that gets me fired up even more is that I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are so many moms out there whose heart is at home, whose deep desire is to be the one raising their children. I know my heart is not the only one that's breaking. And I know Joey is not the only dad out there frustrated by the fact that he can't seem to make his income stretch far enough to make it possible for his wife to stay home with his daughter, despite the fact that he earns a very good income. I'm so furious that this is the way the world is now: that mothers are not able to do what is in their heart to do, what God designed them to do.

For the moms out there that can and do stay home, I applaud you. I know it can't be easy, for a variety of reasons--and not just because you make things work on one income. I know being a stay at home mom isn't the end-all, be-all to your existence. I know you are smart and creative and passionate and driven people who are capable of doing many great things. And I know there must be many lonely days in which you are desperate for adult interaction or even days when you feel unappreciated, alone, frustrated, and ready to give up.

And yet, I am so jealous of you. I admit it. I'm not afraid to say it. I wish it weren't true. I'm asking the Lord to take this desire away from my heart if this isn't what He has for me, but the opposite is actually happening. The desire is getting stronger, and as a result, I'm getting more and more frustrated. I'm not quite miserable, but I'm very close. What makes things worse is that we've tried to make things work financially on one income, and the numbers just won't work out. I know that sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and do what seems impossible, knowing that God really will take care of us. But right now, that seems irresponsible. Our bills still have to be paid, you know what I mean? And it's not like we can cut back on much. We live very simply; we just don't really have places where we can reduce our spending. I keep trying to find them, but they keep eluding me.

Anyway, I hadn't meant for this to turn into an angry rant or a desperate cry for help. But it sure turned out that way, didn't it? I feel like I'm pretty close to being at the end of my rope, and I needed to vent. I don't really feel much better right now, but, well, I feel like maybe I let out a little of the steam that's been building up inside of me.

I'm heading to bed so that I can try to get a little bit of sleep in before the little girl wakes up. I'm exhausted.

Project 31 Day 15: Write to a friend. Inspire her beauty.

There are so many of you, beautiful friends who have made an impact on my life in more ways that perhaps you'll ever know. Choosing just one proved too difficult; I admire you all, for reasons as varied as you are. I know that this small attempt to tell you about how wonderful you are won't do justice to the many facets of who you are. Even so, please accept this small token, from my heart to yours.

To my dear Christy, my best friend. Today is your birthday, so I find it fitting that you should be celebrated first! I once said of you that you are my friend, playmate, confidante, and ally and it is all still very true, despite the fact that life gets in the way sometimes. No matter how life changes (and my how it’s changed), you will always be the sister I never had, the friend I admire, and the mentor I look up to. You are a beautiful example of God's grace, of his redemptive love, and of the way he showers us with surprises. Your life is a testimony to those things, and an encouragement to those with whom you bravely share your story, myself included. Because of you, I know, deep down in the most hidden part of myself, that I'm ok. That I'm chosen. That I'm good. That I'm His. Your love for Jesus is beauty beyond measure, and your heart for him inspires me to chase after him with the same fervor as you. Your gift of inclusiveness and hospitality challenge me to take risks and love on people. Your laugh and your smile create warmth and welcome wherever you go. 

Christy, your life has a profound impact on so many people, and I believe that God is celebrating you today just as much as anyone here on Earth—in fact, I bet he’s throwing a much bigger party than anyone. It’s hard to imagine, perhaps, but I’m sure it’s true. I hope you haven’t forgotten just how important you are, or how dramatically the world has changed because of your existence in it. I am so thankful that you are alive—that your heart is fully alive. Beauty is a feminine heart fully alive, right? You’ve been an example of that in my life. You’re an inspiration. An advocate. A comfort. A joy. The simple beauty of who you are offers comfort and healing; it is a safe place to find rest, honesty, and laughter. You make people better because of the love you show them. I love that about you. Have a very happy birthday, my dear friend!

To Miss Ashley, the girl from whom I draw strength and inspiration. You are as multifaceted as a diamond, and no, I’m not just stealing that from your blog. It’s the truth. You are as valuable, as beautiful, as shimmering, as strong, and as cherished as a diamond. I believe that in many ways, you live out the famous line “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” You are the diamond, and you are so many girls’ best friend because of the way they value you, your friendship, your counsel, and your opinion. Keep on sparkling, Ashley. The world’s only begun to see how bright you will shine.  

To Kara, a girl whose name is fitting because she is care incarnate. We joke that we are soul mates, because, well, we’re very similar in many ways. But there is so much about who you are that is uniquely yours, and I love that about you. Your adventurous spirit, your eagerness to try new things, your courageous efforts to move on from the old and step into the new—all of those things make you beautiful. You could be one of the most consistently “done up,” accessorized girls I know, and I think it speaks volumes about who you are. You are not any just one thing (just like you never wear just one fabulous accessory; your whole outfit is always put together and beautiful). All of the pieces together make a beautiful whole you. Your beauty is far deeper than what you look like on the outside, though. Your heart for others, your generous spirit, the care you give your friends and family. You enrich people’s lives just by being a part of them.

To Amy Lawrence, my delightful friend. You make me smile. I love that you make female relationships a priority in your life (and I’m sorry I’m not always around to join in). Because of you, I know that it needs to be a priority in my own life, that female friendships bring life and joy and release that cannot be found in other places. Your generosity is beyond measure; you are selfless, have so much love to give away, and somehow always seem to have endless reserves of energy, even though I know better (you have three small children, after all). Your friendship is a beautiful addition to my life because of the beauty of who you are. When you feel tired, as I know you must, remember that being tired doesn’t change who you are deep down in the truest part of yourself. You can do this. You can make it through. You don’t have to put on a brave face and pretend that everything’s ok. You can be soft and vulnerable because there’s beauty in that. You can be joyous and celebratory because there’s beauty in that. You can be simply yourself because there is beauty in that. Who you are is beautiful, and I love being a part of your life.

To Amy Kerr, my beloved friend. You are my kindred spirit, a girl whose heart beats like mine. It's funny to me that someone whose voice I hear only every so often can be such a close friend, but I guess that's simply how our friendship has always been, hasn't it? (Or at least, it's been that way for the past 20 years.) You have a beautiful heart. There is safety in your friendship because you are peace. Your spirit makes things beautiful, and your smile lights up a room. I miss you dearly, probably more than I could ever really put into words. But I’m thankful beyond measure for you, for who you are in Christ, and for the beautiful woman you’ve become. You make the world better simply by being a part of it.

To Molly Nelson, my dear lifelong friend. My history is intertwined with yours; without you, I wouldn't be who I am. When we were younger, your beauty challenged what I thought about my own, as I often compared myself to you (and strove to be more like you because you were the cute, fun, popular girl--and me? I was just the popular girl's friend...). Your blond hair, blue eyes, and perfect calves were objects of my envy for a long time, until you taught me that beauty is much deeper than simply how you look; beauty is who you are. You are a beautiful example of facing fears, doing things scared, and choosing to chase after the truth, come what may. I am privileged to know you, as are the many other women who call you friend. Keep being the beautiful you that God delights in.

To my friend Felicia, the girl who is Southern comfort come to life: You are good ol' fashioned beauty. I've never known someone so sure of her own beauty. You know, deep down, that you are beautiful, and that is something that makes your beauty shine even brighter. Your confidence makes you sparkle brighter than any piece of jewelry ever could. You taught me what it looks like to own your beauty without conceit, without pride, and without ugliness. You give me hope that it's possible for my daughter to know down in the deepest part of herself that she is enough. Thank you for your friendship, for loving me as I am, and for encouraging me to step out into who I will become. I love being your friend; it’s a privilege, an honor, and a whole lot of fun!

Project 31 Day 14: Post an outfit picture

Well, it took me several days to get to this post because, again, it was a dreaded outfit picture post. I kept putting it off, thinking "Maybe tomorrow I'll like what I'm wearing enough to post a picture of it..." Ya. Didn't happen.

Last night at dinner I asked Joey to just take a picture of me as I was yesterday because otherwise I would never get this post done. We both forgot until we were in bed, but by then, we both decided that I wouldn't have really wanted a picture of myself from yesterday anyway. It was a weird day, and by the end of it, I found myself crying in a coffee shop over a chocolate milk shake that instead of being made with chocolate ice cream was made with vanilla ice cream and Hershey's syrup. (It wasn't really about the milkshake, but that disappointment just sent me right over the edge.)

So this morning, on our way out the door for church, Joey grabbed his camera and told me to come outside so he could take a picture of me. I was holding Addie, so she's in the picture with me. Even though you can't exactly see my entire outfit, her outfit is definitely worth looking at--she looks like a little valentine! Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen?

Project 31 Day 13: Write about something you would like to change about yourself for the better.

Conflict. I dread it. Loathe it. Avoid it whenever I can. 

The biggest problem I have with conflict is that I struggle with owning my feelings and opinions. I have a difficult time speaking up when I do not like something, or when something does not sit well with me, or when my opinion is contrary to what seems to be most widely accepted. Sometimes I even have a hard time verbalizing what is bothering me in the first place. I often find myself choking down my feelings, miserable as it might make me, in an attempt to avoid conflict.

People have called me a peacemaker, and they have said that is the reason I hate conflict. But the more I think about it, I am starting to think it is more accurate to call me a peace keeper. Making peace often requires engaging in a conflict; it involves having the courage to face conflict for the purpose of making things better. But keeping peace? Being a peace keeper suggests maintaining peace by avoiding conflict altogether. That is what I tend to do, but I do not want to do that anymore.

I am not saying I want to go around picking fights. Not at all. I would just like to be able to not shy away from conflict when I come face to face with it. I would like to be a true peacemaker, to be able to engage in conflict in a healthy, productive way. I would like to be brave enough to risk voicing my thoughts, opinions and feelings in difficult situations. I would like to believe what I think and feel matter, and I would like to have the courage to act on those things.