Project 31 Day 29: My Day, Today.

Day 29.  Write about "a day in the life of me."  (Pics are great!)

Beware. This entry is somewhat boring, as it recounts the daily monotony that I've come to enjoy as my new normal. As I sat here relaying the ins and outs of my day, it occurred to me that things sound sort of hum-drum, but even though there may be moments that feel somewhat hum-drum-like, the moments when everything feels right somehow make up for it. I say all that to say this: read at your own risk. If you get bored, I apologize. Come live a day in our life with us, though, and I promise you won't be bored. We do our best to make the most of each day by being silly, taking chances, trying new things, and exploring our surroundings.

I can't remember the last time I set my alarm clock. Ever since the girl came into my life, I haven't had a need for one. Her sweet murmuring gently stirs me from – or startles me out of – sleep every day, and although I do miss being able to hit the snooze button on my old alarm clock, I have to admit that I don't miss the alarm itself. I always hated it. 

Today was no different. At seven something this morning, the girl started stirring. I had been up with her at 2:30 (after having a bit of insomnia last night), so Joey did a wonderful thing for me—he got her up and gave her a morning bottle, and let me snooze for a few more precious minutes. When I got up, I saw father and daughter sitting in the serene morning light, quietly playing together and simply enjoying being together. It’s a treat for Addie to have play time with her daddy in the morning, and I could tell she was eating it up.

Soon, Joey reluctantly had to go get ready for work, so I found something to occupy Addie's attention while I stumbled through the kitchen in my endeavor to brew my morning coffee, get her breakfast ready, and load up Pandora with what would soon become the soundtrack to our morning. Disney songs played in the background as I sang and made silly faces at the girl while I spooned blueberry banana oatmeal into her anxious mouth. (Did you know there's a Disney station on Pandora? A recent discovery that makes me happy. And who wouldn't want to sing silly songs to this sweet girl?) And while I was in the midst of singing "Kiss the Girl," Joey kissed his girls goodbye and headed out the door.

This is a fairly typical scene—and after it’s over, we get ready to explore our day. Today? Today she took a nap not long after breakfast, which let me take an invigorating shower and drink my coffee in the quiet of the morning. When she woke up, it was just about time for lunch, after which we loaded up the car and drove to the mall to meet Joey for his lunch break. We got my ring cleaned (a long-overdue necessity), shopped for a new lamp (which we didn’t actually find), and window shopped in the kids’ stores, drooling over the new fall fashions that would look so adorable on the girl, that I have to actually turn away from them so that I don’t start feeling like I’m a bad mom for not buying her a closet full of designer baby clothes. (I avoid the mall as much as I can because in all honesty? It sort of makes me feel bad about myself. I slip into feeling “less than,” as if I’m not good enough because I don’t have the latest greatest fashions, and neither does my child.) 

After the mall, we headed out to the grocery store to get formula (why am I always buying formula? The stuff goes so quickly!), and then Addie was ready for a nap by the time we got home. A bottle, a clean diaper, a sleep sack and a binky and Addie was down for the count. I had a few minutes to get a small bite to eat myself before she woke up, uncomfortable and irritated. The good news? She went right back to sleep when I picked her up and rocked her for a minute or two. Another 45 minutes was my own, and I used it to start working on our menu plan / grocery list for the next pay check.

After naptime, I confess that I turned on Veggie Tales and let Addie eat a small snack while watching it. A short time into it, though, a neighbor came over to drop off a book she’d told me about and a recipe she’d raved about. She and her 17 month old son came in and played with us for a little while, and before we knew it, it was nearly time for Joey to come home.

And so, I started washing dishes to make room for the dinner preparations while Addie played in her saucer and watched Sesame Beginnings. And then who should arrive? Joey, to his daughter’s delight. I think that is my most favorite time of the day—the moment when Joey comes home and Addie gets more excited than she has been through the whole day. It makes my heart smile, and I know it makes Joey’s heart soar.

Dinner time. Bath time. Bottle time. Bed time. It went fast this evening. And now here it is, just barely 7:00 and I am enjoying the quiet moment to record the ordinary goings on of my day. And although my life is fairly ordinary, I believe deep down in the heart of who I am that it’s actually quite extraordinary indeed, and I am blessed beyond what I could imagine would ever be possible. Life? Yep, it's pretty darn good.

Moving. Always moving.

Moving. I don't particularly enjoy it. Do you? The packing. The unpacking. The living among stacks of boxes of things you're not sure what to do with (and wonder why you have them at all if you can't figure out where they should go...). The clutter. The chaos. The time it takes to decide where you want to put things. Not feeling at home for awhile. And we've moved three times in two years (this is the third time). And this time, we moved with a baby.  We were fortunate that my parents kept her with them while we made the big push to get things moved in, and here we are finally, at the end of a long day saying goodbye to them as they drove away and left us in our own place. Addie had never lived in a place where they didn't live before. We wondered what this would do to her. We wondered how we would handle having her without the extra hands around. We wondered how being a 25 minute drive away from friends and family would feel, how it would work, how I would deal with being more alone, now.



But in the midst of all the upheaval, I have found new joy in old dusty corners of my heart, the part of my heart that I'd shoved aside, wondering if those dreams would ever become my reality.  They did. They continue to become my reality every day.

I'm learning that there is space to grow and change and learn and be, here. Even though I find myself wondering what our life here will be like when all of the boxes are finally sorted through and the pictures begin to take up residence on our walls, I am also noticing in the midst of very mundane, very ordinary moments that I am stopping to say "Thank you." Thank you to a God who is bigger than my doubts. Thank you to a God whose word is true and trustworthy. Thank you to a God who provides in bigger and better ways than my little mind can wrap itself around. Thank you for the family I get to explore this place with. For the feet that walked into my life and changed it for the better--both sets of them.

I'm still getting used to the sounds and smells of the quiet mornings here. There is a stillness here that we didn't have before. But in the quiet that has accompanied this transition, I'm finding joy--and the joy of new is what I do, after all, like about moving. I'm finding new balance, new purpose, new dreams, new interests, and new reasons to be thankful. (And my, how I am thankful.)

For these reasons, I think I ought to always be moving in one way or the other.

Thoughts on (New) Motherhood

I won't spend the majority of my posts gushing about my  precious baby girl is (although I could), but I decided it was high time I wrote something about her. She is, after all, amazing. I may be biased because she's mine, but it really is true.

Adeline Grace Maier--she's a gift straight from heaven to our home. When I look at her, I am flooded with awe, still find myself in a state of disbelief that she's mine, and am amazed that my love for her is growing just as fast as she is growing. I easily get lost in her eyes--she's so alert now, and it's such fun to just enjoy locking eyes with this little person who grew inside me. (Which, by the way, is still mind-boggling).

I'm finding that motherhood is just what I thought it would be in many ways, but it truly is harder than I thought. I was prepared for difficult.  I'm not naive, you know (well, not all the time at least). The things that I expected to be hard are hard, and the things I expected to be easy are easy. It's the things I didn't know would be difficult that makes transitioning into the role of mother so frustrating, tiring, and sometimes bewildering.

That's not to say I don't like it. I love it. It brings out a new me, the me that's been praying and waiting for this moment since I was a little girl dreaming about being a mommy.

So what didn't I expect? I didn't expect to feel so devoid of affection. Here I am giving tons of it to the sweetest little thing on earth, but since she's too little to give it back, I feel like I'm giving and giving, but not getting anything back. I know she's a tiny little infant and isn't capable of affection like I am just yet, but it's still how I feel. You'd think that getting affection from my husband would help--and it does, when I get it. But we're so busy trying to juggle the baby, trying to keep her happy, that I think we forget to make time for each other. Either that, or we just don't know how to yet. Sometimes we go days without hugging each other, not for lack of wanting to, but because we just can't figure out how to, I guess, what with trying to keep up with the baby. But I need them. So much, especially now.

Hugs communicate more to me, sometimes. They say "You're not alone," and "I'm glad we're in this together," and "I know it's hard, but we'll get through it." Quick smootches don't really say that. Sure, they say "I love you," but sometimes that's not enough. Is that scandalous to say?

I know Joey loves me. I don't doubt it for a second. And I don't doubt that my little girl will soon be returning my smiles and will be big enough to give me hugs back. But for now, in this in-between time, I'm trying to remember that this is not the way it'll always be. Our life is turned upside down for now, but eventually it'll set itself right again (won't it?).

Taking the good with the bad, the easy and the difficult, it's like eating bittersweet chocolate. It's good, very good, but it's not all sweet. There's enough sweet in it to make it palatable--intoxicatingly good, even. But it's not all sweet. It's earthy and complex, has a tinge of power to it, and isn't something to be taken lightly. Appreciating both the components of bitter and sweet is the only way to enjoy it. And that's how I feel about being a mother. There's difficulty to it, things that I've had to let go of and things I'm getting used to, but there's so much good, such awe and wonder that comes along with it that I can't think of anything but good things to say about it. I love it, and I love my little Addie.