Spend Yourself, Rachel

As I alluded to a few months ago now, I started a new blog project called "Shines Like Stars" last year. This morning, I made a (perhaps impetuous) decision. I cleared that blog out. I didn't delete everything, but I imported all the posts I'd written to this space instead. There was something that just wasn't quite right about what I was writing over there. Nothing I ended up writing seemed to fit the original vision for the new blog the way I wanted it to. I felt as though whatever I was writing was censored, which I suppose is a good thing in some ways, but in reality, it's a hindrance to good writing. My writing felt forced, when I actually did it, and so it was a huge struggle to break through that and come up with something real. Thankfully, I never posted anything I wasn't proud to stand behind, but it didn't flow naturally; it was a clear sign to me that something about the blog wasn't right.

I guess it comes down to this: the posts I wrote there were just the sort of posts I'd write here. And that blog was supposed to be different in some capacity. I realized, though, that despite my best efforts, I was attempting to create something new out of my own strength, creativity, and vision. I wasn't listening to what God was saying to me at all. That's a scary realization, but a necessary one at the same time.

So, you'll notice that there are many, many new posts on this blog, but if you've followed along with Shines Like Stars, you've already read all of them. If you haven't, then you'll have some new things to read here. 

Shines Like Stars isn't going away; but it's back to bare bones (or will be shortly) until I get some clarity about what to actually write in that space. The Lord is putting some deep, important things on my heart and I know that He's calling me to do something that's a little bit risky and out of my comfort zone. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but I do know that it will go back to Philippians 2:15, which states this:

“Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of God. Carry the light-giving message into the night.” Philippians 2:15 (The Message)

Since August of last year, the Lord has been speaking to me about this verse, and he's been bringing it up in various ways every so often, reminding me of it and making it very clear that this is what He's calling me to. Last Sunday was sort of the last straw, in that I had all but given up on finding the right groove on Shines Like Stars until He spoke very directly to me through Pastor Terry's sermon last week. He spoke out of Isaiah 58 and urged us to live out that passage in a very real way. It's a powerful passage that talks about how the people of Israel appeared righteous because of the kind of religious motions they were going through, but God implores them to not to bother with those  religious motions because they were empty.  The people were doing things to appear righteous, but really, they were treating others unfairly, exploiting them for their own gain. But what God really cares about, and wants us to bother doing, is to deal with injustice, exploitation, the oppressed, those in debt, the hungry, the homeless, the naked. Even just be there for our own families. In other words, instead of creating a life that makes us appear righteous and important, God is imploring us to create a life out of humility. To serve others. To spend ourselves.

I spent the week mulling this over in light of what God's telling me through Philippians 2:15, and then I saw this verse in the next chapter of Isaiah:

"We long for light but sink into darkness, long for brightness but stumble through the night."

-Isaiah 59:10 (MSG)

I realized that when I'm at home in the middle of an ordinary day, I have a difficult time knowing how to actually do the things the Lord is calling me to do, especially in the culture in which we live. Example: Is it really safe for me to see a homeless man wandering the street and invite him into my home for a hot meal when it's just me and my 1 year old at home during the day? My flesh tells me that no, it's not safe - regardless of whether the man is a danger or not (there's no way for me to really know). But I wonder what Christ would say to that. Where do we draw the line between being wise and not taking a risk for the sake of Christ?

And then I realize that there are things I can do - easily. But I don't. Or if I do, it's few and far between. I long to do more, but I don't. I let myself stumble through the darkness telling myself I'm looking for light instead of actually being the light that I am. I keep looking for ways to spend my time and resources instead of spending myself by just being me and being available to be used by Christ through the heart and resources he's given me, which I strongly believe includes gifts and talents and passions.

Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent here I think, but the point is that Carnival Mirrors will be back to what it used to be, but I will also be doing something new at Shines Like Stars. I'll keep you posted on the progress as I have news to share. But will you do me a favor? Will you pray for me? The task seems insurmountable to me, and risky because I have no idea whether it will actually do any good or not, but the bottom line is that I'm choosing to be obedient and to spend myself, what little I have to give I will give it willingly to the Lord.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support, and perhaps most of all, for reading whatever I happen to write. You have no idea how important that is to me. Being vulnerable with strangers is sort of easy, but being vulnerable with the people who know me best is often the most intimidating and scary. Thanks for making it not so bad after all.

The beauty I see everyday (but usually miss)

In response to my post where I talked about my distorted self-image, a good friend suggested I do an exercise in which I list out the things I like and the things I don't like about my body - specifics, things like "the luster of my hair" to "the dimples on my butt."  (Not that I have dimples on my butt. That's just an example, of course.)

I knew it was something I had to do because I'm in search of truth. I know my self-image is distorted, and I know that I focus primarily on all the stuff about myself that I don't like. Instead of doing that, I'd like to focus on that things I do like, and not just things I like about my character. I know that real beauty is on the inside, but let's be honest: there is beauty on the outside, too. I am a physical being; I'm made up of spirit, soul, and body. And as a woman, I've been endowed with beauty from my creator who is beauty itself. Therefore, there must be something beautiful about my physical self, right?

Anyway, when I finally sat down to do the exercise at least two weeks after it was proposed, I really did think that the things I don't like would outweigh the things I do like. The things I don't like are the things I focus on daily; I rarely think about the things I actually do like, so I was convinced they were few and far between.

I was wrong. The things I like about my body outweigh the things I don't like by more than 2:1. In other words, I like twice as many things about myself as I dislike. (To be fair, though, I probably dislike my thighs more than I like the fact that I have straight hair. And I probably like my olive skin more than I dislike the little bumps on my upper arms.) Even so, I find it completely baffling that by just putting a half an hour into this exercise, I was able to come up with this list. It could grow - in either column - as I think about it more, I'm sure. But for now, it's eye-opening.

I include the list below for a couple of reasons. First, I do so in hopes that I'll really own this list if it's published. I don't want to just shove the list away somewhere; I want to remember it, to use it to focus on the things that are true and lovely about myself when I'm tempted to focus only on the things I'm unhappy about. Second, I hope that somewhere someone might be encouraged to do the same thing and to discover the happy truth that there are many lovely things about herself that she actually adores. If you're struggling with self-image, I encourage you to do the same. And don't berate yourself for things that are beyond your control at the moment you write the list (ie: swollen ankles that accompany pregnancy...). Just think about yourself in your normal, stare into the mirror, and discover the beautiful things that you see every day, but usually miss.

Things I Like

My hair

… its color (brown)

… its shine

… its softness

… its straightness

My eyes

… their shade of deep brown

… the way they smile

… my eyelashes that easily curl

… my little mole just next to my left eye

My mouth

… straight teeth

… soft, full lips

… my smile

My skin

… its softness

… its elasticity

… the olive tone, especially because I tan easily

… the little brown freckles sprinkled over my body

… my birthmarks

… the fact that I don’t have stretch marks

My neck & shoulders

… my collar bone. Strangely, I love it.

My arms

… my forearms: their shape, size

… my wrists (I think they’re dainty)

My hands

… long fingers

… healthy nails with long nail beds

My curves

... the fact that I have a feminine body

… well-proportioned waist, hips, rear

My height

… 5’4’’ –tall enough to feel “not short,” and short enoughto feel “not tall.”

My feet

… a nice size at 7.5

… they look really cute when my toenails are painted

Things I Don’t Like

My face

… its roundness

My hair

… how fine it is

… and how dark and course it is on the rest of my body

My arms

… the little bit of skin underneath them that flaps

… the bumps on my arms

My torso and hips

… extra padding

… my tummy “pooch,” as I call it

My legs

… my inner and outer thighs. Heck, just my thighs in general.

… my calves. They're on the big side.

… my ankles, for reasons I can’t figure out