While cleaning out my drafts folder, I found this blog entry I wrote over two months ago. Thought I might as well post it. It's unfinished, but that's sort of like life, right? Our days, in some ways, feel unfinished as they slowly fade from one into the other. But as I've come to find out, the "boring details of our day" build upon each other and eventually, we realize that they've built a life.
So here it is: a small snapshot of thoughts from one day in my life. It's not an extraordinary, important day, really, except for that I was given the chance to live it. And that, in and of itself, is an extraordinary, important gift.
Tonight, I somehow find myself with a bit of time on my hands. I think it's because Joey took over bedtime duty so that I could finish baking cupcakes for his birthday tomorrow. Somehow I finished before Addie's down for the night, and so here I am, alone with my thoughts for a moment, wondering what to write about (I hate it when that happens. During the day, so many thoughts swirl around inside of me begging me to be let out on the page, and then when I sit down and give them the chance to do so, they decide they're too cozy and warm inside to venture out into the world.). I guess I'll go with talking about the boring details of my day to see if there's a small bit of wonder to be found there. I am, after all, on a quest for beauty, right? Here it goes....
Today felt like a perfect fall day--crisp air, red and yellow leaves carpeting the ground as I walked through the trees to my office this morning, hot latte in hand, favorite warm coat on...and yet, it's the middle of January. Make that make sense.
This afternoon, I told the lady at the bakery that I couldn't pay $60 for a birthday cake, thinking to myself that I could make it myself for less--and then spent nearly that at the store anyway just an hour later. Yes, I did get a lot more for my money than just ingredients for cake, but still. I felt a little bit defeated as I walked out of the store. Funny how that happens.
Joey got home early today, if early is 5:40pm. It felt early, since he's been getting home later than that almost every night since, well, since I can remember. That was a fun surprise. And it was so ... touching, I guess I could say, to see the way Addie looked at him when he greeted her. It was precious to see him be dad while she was awake, even if it was just for a little while tonight..."
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
What I feel and what I believe. Sometimes, they're not the same.
I had a hard night last night. I have had a lot of hard nights lately.
I often lie awake, frustrated. Feeling defeated. Exhausted. Heartbroken.
I cry. A lot.
And I drink an awful lot of coffee in the morning.
I've been pouring over the Psalms lately, and I'm finding comfort in them. My feelings aren't new. I'm not alone in them. And they don't surprise God. He's heard about these things before. From me. From others.
There's nothing new here. What I'm going through isn't new.
Savoring the moments I do have, instead of being upset about the moments I don't have is helping me to get through this season of heartache. Deliberately choosing to look for joy in normal, everyday places helps, too. I'm choosing to let go of the things that don't really matter, and I'm holding on tight to the things that really do matter.
I believe in hope.
I believe in miracles.
I believe in hard work.
I believe in making sacrifices.
I believe in loving with my whole heart.
I believe in making time for what matters.
I believe in letting myself feel emotions.
I believe in choosing joy despite how my emotions make me feel.
I believe in tears. Happy ones and sad ones.
I believe that today can be better than yesterday.
And I believe in the promise of tomorrow.
"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
Psalm 33: 20-22
Monday, March 21, 2011
Project 31 Day 20: Write about your job and why you love it or hate it.
My job. Well, the job that pays those pesky bills is this: I'm a college counselor at a private Christian high school. Do I love it or hate it? Neither. I sort of like it and sort of don't like it. There are things I hate about it, but those things don't actually have anything to do with the job itself. I hate the fact that I have to have an outside job at all. But you all already know that, don't you?
Since that little tidbit isn't new, I'll focus on the things that I do like about my job. When I accepted this job, I was thrilled because it meant I got to interact with people again. I had spent the last three years behind a desk in a crowded office, one that conducted daily business via email. Now, I know that's pretty normal these days, and trust me--I do my fair share of emailing, too. The thing is, it was just weird. People sitting two feet away from each other would email their questions back and forth instead of just turning their chairs to face each other, or taking a quick, 10 second walk to each other's desks. Seriously. (I may be exaggerating just a bit, but not by much.) Plus, the majority of my job was spent doing editing work that truly could have been done from home, during any hours--not necessarily between the hours of 8-5. It was frustrating.
But I'm not supposed to be talking about that job, am I? I'm supposed to be talking about this job.
The good things about this job are that I get to speak into the lives of teenagers, something that I honestly never thought I'd do. I get a front row seat to their dreams and I get to encourage them to chase after them, to work hard toward achieving their goals, and taste the sweetness of success as they come in to share the good news with me. The hard part is dashing dreams, a necessary evil when college-bound seniors don't really have a good grasp of the sorts of colleges they're actually eligible for (or not eligible for, really).
Another great thing about my job is that it's very close to my house. I think my commute to work is 3 minutes. When the weather clears, I'm seriously thinking about walking to work. Also, I get to work just a moment's walk away from my darling little girl. Being able to go feed her lunch? Helps keep me sane (except for the days when it makes me resent the fact that I have to go back to work...but I'm staying with the positive in this post, right?).
I also teach one class session of English Language Learners--the Speaking and Listening course. I like it because I have such an admiration for my little group of international students. Not only can they speak two languages (something I really, really admire), but they are making their way on their own a new country, very very far away from everything and everyone familiar to them. Blows my mind. I couldn't have done that at their age. Sheesh--I still couldn't do that. I don't like teaching the class because I don't feel like I'm very good at it, and I hate feeling that way.
In short, my job is a blessing and a bother. But I think that a lot of things in life are like that, aren't they? Very few things, if anything at all, are perfect. But there are things that are good, so today, and tomorrow, and for the rest of the school year, I'm going to do my best to find the good things, and then focus on and be thankful for them.
Since that little tidbit isn't new, I'll focus on the things that I do like about my job. When I accepted this job, I was thrilled because it meant I got to interact with people again. I had spent the last three years behind a desk in a crowded office, one that conducted daily business via email. Now, I know that's pretty normal these days, and trust me--I do my fair share of emailing, too. The thing is, it was just weird. People sitting two feet away from each other would email their questions back and forth instead of just turning their chairs to face each other, or taking a quick, 10 second walk to each other's desks. Seriously. (I may be exaggerating just a bit, but not by much.) Plus, the majority of my job was spent doing editing work that truly could have been done from home, during any hours--not necessarily between the hours of 8-5. It was frustrating.
But I'm not supposed to be talking about that job, am I? I'm supposed to be talking about this job.
The good things about this job are that I get to speak into the lives of teenagers, something that I honestly never thought I'd do. I get a front row seat to their dreams and I get to encourage them to chase after them, to work hard toward achieving their goals, and taste the sweetness of success as they come in to share the good news with me. The hard part is dashing dreams, a necessary evil when college-bound seniors don't really have a good grasp of the sorts of colleges they're actually eligible for (or not eligible for, really).
Another great thing about my job is that it's very close to my house. I think my commute to work is 3 minutes. When the weather clears, I'm seriously thinking about walking to work. Also, I get to work just a moment's walk away from my darling little girl. Being able to go feed her lunch? Helps keep me sane (except for the days when it makes me resent the fact that I have to go back to work...but I'm staying with the positive in this post, right?).
I also teach one class session of English Language Learners--the Speaking and Listening course. I like it because I have such an admiration for my little group of international students. Not only can they speak two languages (something I really, really admire), but they are making their way on their own a new country, very very far away from everything and everyone familiar to them. Blows my mind. I couldn't have done that at their age. Sheesh--I still couldn't do that. I don't like teaching the class because I don't feel like I'm very good at it, and I hate feeling that way.
In short, my job is a blessing and a bother. But I think that a lot of things in life are like that, aren't they? Very few things, if anything at all, are perfect. But there are things that are good, so today, and tomorrow, and for the rest of the school year, I'm going to do my best to find the good things, and then focus on and be thankful for them.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thoughts on Turning 30
I'm 30. There. I said it. I guess that means I've accepted it, right?
The truth is that 30 didn't scare me, at least, the idea of it hasn't scared me lately. When I was freshly 20 something, waiting for my life to "really begin" and lamenting the fact that it "never would," 30 sounded mature and grown up. People who were 30 surely had their lives together and weren't waiting for their life to happen to them. They were in it. Living it every day.
Now that I'm here, the way I see the last several years makes me realize that I was in my life, living it every day. The difference was that there were some major unfulfilled dreams hidden in my heart that laced my 20's with bitterness, loneliness and heartache. They set up camp in my heart and mind and overstayed their welcome. They distracted me from the real me. They took over my time and energy and left me without much to offer. The good news is that about halfway through my journey from 20 to 30, I kicked bitterness out, choosing to take God at his word and believe that his plans were good plans. But loneliness and heartache didn't leave right away. Eventually they moved along, but every once in awhile they've come back to visit. They still do, and I'm pretty sure they'll come around every so often as long as I'm here on Earth. I've learned how to deal with them, though.
But I learned that being bitter about the way my life was playing out was counterproductive. It distracted me from doing what I actually want to do, so instead of doing it, I just sat and got bitter about the fact that I wasn't doing it. Does that even make sense?
I decided awhile ago that it's not worth the time or energy to play that game. Focus on the things I do have, the wonderful things that I miss out on when I'm focused on me. I decided to take risks. To get outside of myself. To believe that most people are good and have pure intentions, and aren't out to hurt me or judge me or make me feel bad about myself. I learned that life isn't about me.
Entering my 30's felt like a banner day, if you ask me. It was a day where I got to bid adieu to a decade of heartache, and say hello to a fresh start. I feel like I've been given another chance to be the me that's always wanted to be free to be herself. Being 30 doesn't mean I have it all together, even though many good things have happened in my life recently and it may look like my heart is (or should be) completely fulfilled. But it's not. There are new desires, new beginnings, new challenges, and new lessons to be learned. There is a chance to find beauty in my imperfections, to believe that I'm here on Earth for something more than just making myself happy, and to live out my dreams, however big or small they are.
I'm welcoming 30 with open arms. And I'm ready for it to be a good year. Hard, perhaps. But good.
The truth is that 30 didn't scare me, at least, the idea of it hasn't scared me lately. When I was freshly 20 something, waiting for my life to "really begin" and lamenting the fact that it "never would," 30 sounded mature and grown up. People who were 30 surely had their lives together and weren't waiting for their life to happen to them. They were in it. Living it every day.
Now that I'm here, the way I see the last several years makes me realize that I was in my life, living it every day. The difference was that there were some major unfulfilled dreams hidden in my heart that laced my 20's with bitterness, loneliness and heartache. They set up camp in my heart and mind and overstayed their welcome. They distracted me from the real me. They took over my time and energy and left me without much to offer. The good news is that about halfway through my journey from 20 to 30, I kicked bitterness out, choosing to take God at his word and believe that his plans were good plans. But loneliness and heartache didn't leave right away. Eventually they moved along, but every once in awhile they've come back to visit. They still do, and I'm pretty sure they'll come around every so often as long as I'm here on Earth. I've learned how to deal with them, though.
But I learned that being bitter about the way my life was playing out was counterproductive. It distracted me from doing what I actually want to do, so instead of doing it, I just sat and got bitter about the fact that I wasn't doing it. Does that even make sense?
I decided awhile ago that it's not worth the time or energy to play that game. Focus on the things I do have, the wonderful things that I miss out on when I'm focused on me. I decided to take risks. To get outside of myself. To believe that most people are good and have pure intentions, and aren't out to hurt me or judge me or make me feel bad about myself. I learned that life isn't about me.
Entering my 30's felt like a banner day, if you ask me. It was a day where I got to bid adieu to a decade of heartache, and say hello to a fresh start. I feel like I've been given another chance to be the me that's always wanted to be free to be herself. Being 30 doesn't mean I have it all together, even though many good things have happened in my life recently and it may look like my heart is (or should be) completely fulfilled. But it's not. There are new desires, new beginnings, new challenges, and new lessons to be learned. There is a chance to find beauty in my imperfections, to believe that I'm here on Earth for something more than just making myself happy, and to live out my dreams, however big or small they are.
I'm welcoming 30 with open arms. And I'm ready for it to be a good year. Hard, perhaps. But good.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Check this out!
There's not really a major point to this post, except to say taht I love journals, and I love journaling--in fact, I just finished writing in mine this morning while I sipped my coffee (which had organic coffee creamer--something I just discovered and am a little nutty about). Anyway, long story short, I stumbled upont this site and fell in love with these journals, specifically the "She" and "Love where we live" ones. Aren't they so cute? Plus, you get to peek through ones that have been filled out a bit. Just had to share so you could see too :)
http://www.gadanke.com/share?loadJournal=3
http://www.gadanke.com/share?loadJournal=3
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Project 31 Day 19: Write about your favorite comfort food.
Sheesh, sometimes I wonder if I bit off more than I can chew with this Project 31 thing. It feels like I've been doing it forever, when in reality, it's just taking a long time because I don't get to it every day. But, I made a promise to myself that I would finish, come what may, so here I go. Day 19.
Comfort foods. Seems sort of strange to talk about comfort foods when we're talking about beauty, doesn't it? But comfort foods are a beautiful thing. Maybe not visually, but emotionally. And isn't that why they're comfort foods, because they strike an emotional chord in the deepest part of ourselves?
For me, comfort food is nothing fancy, made from the simplest of ingredients, and homemade. A few favorites from my childhood are my mom's beef stew, hamburger gravy over mashed potatoes, and brown derby burgers, and my grandma's chicken enchiladas, golden potatoes, and chicken and noodles. Oh, and homemade bread so warm that it melts the butter as you spread it, big pots of savory soups, and anything made out of potatoes. I admit, french fries are pretty much right up there. Whew--I'm getting hungry just thinking about these things!
Oop, there's Addie, waking up from a nap. Gotta go :) What are your favorite comfort foods?
Comfort foods. Seems sort of strange to talk about comfort foods when we're talking about beauty, doesn't it? But comfort foods are a beautiful thing. Maybe not visually, but emotionally. And isn't that why they're comfort foods, because they strike an emotional chord in the deepest part of ourselves?
For me, comfort food is nothing fancy, made from the simplest of ingredients, and homemade. A few favorites from my childhood are my mom's beef stew, hamburger gravy over mashed potatoes, and brown derby burgers, and my grandma's chicken enchiladas, golden potatoes, and chicken and noodles. Oh, and homemade bread so warm that it melts the butter as you spread it, big pots of savory soups, and anything made out of potatoes. I admit, french fries are pretty much right up there. Whew--I'm getting hungry just thinking about these things!
Oop, there's Addie, waking up from a nap. Gotta go :) What are your favorite comfort foods?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Project 31 Day 18: Describe Your Personality
Well, I'm going to have to cheat again on this one. Well, maybe it's not really cheating. Maybe it's just my way of using some new information I just learned about. Why don't you be the judge?
I love Shauna Niequist. Anyone who knows me well knows that she's one of my favorite authors ever, and that I am certain that we would be very good friends if given the chance. As a devoted reader, I follow her blog and devour everything she writes. This past week, she wrote about something I'd never heard about--Enneagrams. Had you ever heard of them?
Anyway, I read her synopsis of them, and there were two of them that resonated very deeply with me. I'm pretty sure I'm more one than the other, but there are aspects both that struck a chord in me as well. I guess I've decided that I'm mostly one of them, and sort-of the other. (Mostly a Reformer, sort of a Peacemaker.) So instead of describing my personality for you, I'm cheating, and I'm going to have you read about the numbers of the Enneagram that resonated with me. After doing so, you'll get a good insight into my personality :)
Head on over to Shauna's Blog to read about my personality if you want, but I think it'd be more fun to figure out your own number. It's eye opening, and I think it is good to know these things about ourselves.
Enjoy :)
I love Shauna Niequist. Anyone who knows me well knows that she's one of my favorite authors ever, and that I am certain that we would be very good friends if given the chance. As a devoted reader, I follow her blog and devour everything she writes. This past week, she wrote about something I'd never heard about--Enneagrams. Had you ever heard of them?
Anyway, I read her synopsis of them, and there were two of them that resonated very deeply with me. I'm pretty sure I'm more one than the other, but there are aspects both that struck a chord in me as well. I guess I've decided that I'm mostly one of them, and sort-of the other. (Mostly a Reformer, sort of a Peacemaker.) So instead of describing my personality for you, I'm cheating, and I'm going to have you read about the numbers of the Enneagram that resonated with me. After doing so, you'll get a good insight into my personality :)
Head on over to Shauna's Blog to read about my personality if you want, but I think it'd be more fun to figure out your own number. It's eye opening, and I think it is good to know these things about ourselves.
Enjoy :)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A Thousand Gifts
Had to share this video I found today while perusing Amazon to learn about a book I just heard of called A Thousand Gifts.
More thoughts to come. For now, watch, ponder, and respond.
More thoughts to come. For now, watch, ponder, and respond.
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