Well then why do I feel so alone? And if my feelings aren't necessarily truth, then why are they so hard to disregard?
Living beneath a cold wet blanket of melancholy is not so fun. People who say melancholy people are sophisticated and poetic must never have lived this life. It is suffocating. I so want to get out of it, but I can't seem to. Sometimes I feel fine. Other times I feel like I'm losing it. Literally one minute I'll really feel as though my life is so great that I never want it to change, and the next I feel like it's all about to come crashing in on me. I can't regain my footing. It's like I've lost the path.
When we set off on life's journey, we think there's a destination. We all know that it's not so much about the destination as it is the journey (how many times have you heard that?) But for me, the journey seems to be really, well, laborious. Toiling in the hot sun, laborious. Trying to build a shelter in the pouring down rain, laborious. Straining to give birth to something--anything--laborious.
I know that God's marked me out for something. What, I'm not sure exactly yet. I feel like I'm really pursuing this, trying to get in tune with him and hear him, really really hear him, but I keep hearing nothing. Or is it that I'm not hearing what I think I should be hearing?
Last night I think I might have heard, You feel like you are unloveable. Is that the root of all my problems?
I'm unsatisfied. Sitting at my computer answering emails or looking up ISBNs isn't satisfying. Not talking to people all day isn't satisfying. Feeling like I have to stifle what's really going on in my heart is exhausting. I don't want to feel alone anymore. Is that what it is? Do I just feel alone? Well, yes. Even though my brain knows the truth, I'm in constant conflict. Like I said, one moment I'm sure of what I'm sure of, and the next I feel like I'm insane for questioning anything at all.
Lord, what is it that's attacking me? What is this that I'm dealing with? What is it?
God, why won't you speak? You said you would, so why can't I hear you? You said that if I asked, you would tell me great and mysterious things, things I could never figure out on my own (Jeremiah 33:3). So I'm asking, Lord. Tell me those great unknowable things. Tell me the things that my heart needs to hear. I'm ready. I'm here. I'm desperate. Please, Lord. Please. I'm your little girl all grown up needing to hear from her Daddy. Please, God. I know you're good and that you aren't holding out on me, so I'm asking you to come through for me. Come and get me, rescue me from this burden of belonging. Remind me that I belong to YOU, and everything else is peripheral to that.
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