We were sitting in our small, intimate Walking with God group last night talking about spiritual attack. We realized just how little we all knew about it, how little we'd been taught, how skewed our vision of it has been. It doesn't even occur to us that something spiritual is involved. We rationalize, hypothesize, fantasize, ostracize. But we don't exorcise--until now. We're being challenged to see our lives with new eyes, view what happens to us through the lens of the Lord, not our own.
After sitting and discussing for awhile, we went around the room to share one particular struggle we've been having lately, one particular "weak spot," a place where we've come to realize we're being picked off by the one who has the most to lose. I didn't want to share. I couldn't think of anything. Even though I knew there's been a cloud over me, one that covers pretty much every area of my life, I couldn't name it. I had such a hard time coming up with what exactly it was. So I asked the Lord to help me. I asked him to tell me what it was I was dealing with. It wasn't immediate, but soon I knew exactly what it was. Inferiority.
I feel inferior in who and what I am. I feel inferior to the people around me, who always seem to have it more together than I do. The ones who seem to be preferred, chosen over and above me. I feel like I'm not good enough, smart enough, savvy enough or creative enough to follow through with the things that my heart is bursting to do, the things that I know the Lord has called me to. I feel like he's made a mistake, that if he only knew, he'd realize that I was not up to the task, that I'm inferior to his high calling.
But the truth is that's just a lie. Who would have a vested interest in keeping me away from my calling? The one who fears me most. The one who knows he has something to lose if I rise to the challenge and fulfill my God-given destiny.
So back to last night. At the end of it all, we were going to contend for each other. We were going to pray about all the issues that were raised, deal with them right then and there. When it was my turn, I was so open to what the Lord had for me. Scared, maybe, but only because I knew that hearing truth requires action. And I was scared that I wasn't up to the task. But I persevered anyways because I was hungry enough for the truth. I'm tired of living like this, and I was ready for revelation and release.
There were many things spoken over me, but the things that I remember the most clearly are carnival mirrors. My perception of myself is so skewed, so misshapen, so wrong. It's not true to the way the Lord sees me. Not by a long shot. I've always seen myself differently than he sees me. I may have glimpses, but that's all they are. glimpses. I see a distorted version of myself.
The lord said to me, Oh, if only you saw yourself the way I see you. So pray to see yourself through my eyes so that you can see yourself the way I see you.
Inferiority was broken off of me that night. The truth is that I'm who I am because this is the way the Lord chose to make me. I'm not inferior. I'm beautiful to Him.
I've been looking at myself through Carnival Mirrors; I've been looking at a distorted version of myself, it's kept me from feeling like I can do what I know deep in my bones that I need to do. I don't know how to do it, but I do know that the Lord is not going to let me fall. I know that he'll provide for me. I won't pretend to know how. But what I do know is this: If I stop looking in the mirror and start looking through the Lord's eyes, I might get a clue.
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