Joey's got Vertigo. It came upon him suddenly yesterday afternoon as soon as we got home from Montera Beach. It was awful to watch him spiral downward into a shell of who he normally is. Selfishly, I was upset that he "had to get this" on our Anniversary. But then, after a quick check of the spirit, I realized that we had just gotten back from a wonderful weekend full of fun anniversary stuff, and that we were, essentially, done with our celebration by the time we got home. The only thing left was to have a slice of our anniversary cake (which I had been looking forward to intensely!).
In a split second, I went from feeling frustrated with him for feeling sick to being relieved and thankful we were home before it all hit him. Then, before I knew what hit me, I was scared. Terrified. Even though Joey was pretty sure it was Vertigo, my mind played games on itself and I had big scary scenarios all lined up in my mind (like heat stroke, a brain tumor, a head injury, etc). Watching him struggle to walk just a few steps, not being able to do anything to cool our room down (it was intensely hot last night), and feeling powerless to do anything but simply tell him that I'm there if he needs anything... it made me realize how truly out of control I am over so much. And even though our first year of marriage hasn't been difficult, or perhaps because our first year has been so good, I felt in control of things. But last night I felt completely out of control. Even though my head knows that ultimately we aren't in control, I realized in a profound way last night that things can change in an instant, and our whole world can be thrown off balance.
I spent the evening watching a bad movie, eating good ice cream, and wondering what would happen next. When I finally went to bed, I watched him intensely for several minutes to make sure he was still breathing. I was afraid that something more severe was going on and that we should have rushed him to the emergency room. Instead, I had to lay there next to my husband on our first anniversary willing myself not to worry about him, but to trust that not only was Joey right, but that God was in control.
Today, he's better. Not great, but better. We were able to get him in to see a doctor first thing this morning, but she didn't do a whole lot for him, except for perhaps allay our fears that something more serious was going on. Today? Today I'm realizing that perhaps I overreact to things, even though my heart is in the right place. Having my heart in the right place doesn't really do a whole lot to help the situation except to reassure Joey that I'm here for him. Today I wonder how I'll grapple with things that are more serious. I cried last night when Joey fell asleep, not because I was upset he was sick on our anniversary, but because I was scared of the unknown. Today I realize that every day is an unknown. And adding a baby to the mix makes things even more of an unknown. Someone new to worry about, right?
But the kicker is that worrying doesn't accomplish anything. It's hard not to worry, and it's difficult to take thoughts captive and not allow our imaginations to run away with us, but seriously, it's something I am choosing to do because I cannot live life in fear. It's debilitating. Living a life of worry or fear simply isn't living.
Anyway, I think I'm starting to ramble. The good news? Joey's trying to type along with me as I write this. I think he's getting bored of laying around feeling dizzy. Or perhaps he's feeling a little bit better. I think it's a combination of both.
Happy first anniversary to us!
2 comments:
First of all, Happy Anniversary! Isn't it great to have your own little holiday just for the two of you?
I'm so sorry to hear about Joey!
I worry a bit, too. Cody quickly brings me back to earth.
Our husbands are a tiny-bit desensitized to common, ignorant embodiement due to their daily, mounting knowledge toward the contrary. (Sorry. I can't think of a better way to word that.)
Ask Joey about the first time Chloe got sick. Thankfully he was there to tell me to call 911. After days of exhaustion and camping out by her crib, I'll never forget what Cody said to me: "Mel, do you honestly think you are going to stand in the way of God and our daughter if it's her time?"
It took me awhile to stop reeling at what I felt was an insensitive remark---but after I thought about it I decided there was a certain amount of freedom from worry in Cody's words.
You are right about the false security in feelings of control. It has to have origins in our seperation from God, our coping. You are right to call it what it is and to do with it what you can. A little bit of worry isn't a bad thing. It keeps us present, turning to Him.
I just love how much you love. My, you are a sweet girl!
hey girl..I can't believe its been a year already! Sorry to hear Joey is sick, I hope he is feeling better by now.
I have recently been going through this whirlwind of self doubt and letting my mind and untrue thoughts control me as well..not even keeping them in check.
I started reading Beth Moores "So Long, Insecurity" and although it pointed out more areas that I struggle with and never identified them as insecurity it has also helped me realize what I am doing, stop those thoughts, look at where they are rooted, and then trust the Lord to heal me..because HE CAN CHANGE ME! Thank the Lord!
Check out the book if you get a chance, its a good one. We are doing a book club with it ..we call it Insecurity Anonymous and of coarse the first step is admitting you have a problem..haha. We joke and say..hey girls I have been secure for 4 days, then I fell of the wagon.
Love you friend!
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