This past weekend I left everything I know behind - schedules, routines, people - and headed up to the mountains with a friend who had invited me to join her sisters and their friends for a girls' getaway weekend. I don't remember the last time I did anything like that, but whereas my natural inclination would have been to decline the invitation (based on the fact that I didn't know anyone), I took a shot and went.
When we first got there, I suddenly felt transported back to high school. I felt awkward and out of place, and imaginary audience of adolescence reared its head in a very real way. When you're the new girl, the only one out of the bunch that doesn't have a long history with any of the others in the group - that's intimidating at first. And as I walked into that cabin, I was flooded with the feelings that every other woman there would be scrutinizing every detail about me: my clothes, my shoes, my hair, my skin, my weight, my height, my style, my voice, my personality - and I suddenly felt as if I wasn't going to be deemed good enough for them. This was before anyone even said hello.
The funny thing is that it didn't take long for it to occur to me that these ladies were not up at that cabin to get to know me. (Funny how during adulthood, things like that actually do occur to you, whereas during adolescence, no one could convince you otherwise). But then, I was hit with this: "Tell us something exciting about yourself." I had nothing.
Exciting? Interesting might have been slightly easier to come up with, but exciting? What's exciting about myself? My life? The fact that I couldn't answer scared me.
As I laid in bed trying to drift off to sleep after the evening's festivities died down, I found myself longing for that something, that thing that would set my heart on fire and make me want to pursue it so passionately that everything else would sort of fade away as not nearly as important (read: laundry, dishes, diapers, and the like). I thought about all the things that other people do, all the things I like to do, and when I compared the two, I felt as if the things I enjoy aren't nearly as "exciting" as the things that so many other people are excited about (chiefly among them, training for a marathon). And I beat myself up about it for a good bit of the weekend. But by the time I got home, I realized that exciting doesn't have to be limited to running marathons. It doesn't have to be limited to mission trips to China. But, it also can be something more than buying organic strawberries at the farmer's market in January (True story. I bought some about two weeks ago. And it was very exciting.)
I've been searching lately for something more. I don't think that's a secret around here. Something more, though, seems a bit elusive because it's ill-defined. More of what? More busy? More meaningful? More exciting? More productive? More spiritual? More creative? More holy? More what? I think the answer is this: all of that. And that is overwhelming. It's a tall order for someone who feels a bit lost.
When I was working an outside job, I was distracted from this desire. Perhaps the job wasn't my calling or my dream, but it was a good distraction from the fact that I actually want more out of life than just to make it through the day. And now, making it through the day sane is at the top of my list, especially since I've had a very moody toddler on my hands for the past month.
Being surrounded by a group of friends tell old stories from a common past and updates on their current lives gave me a glimpse into how other people live, what's important to them, and what excites other people. I heard recipes being exchanged, discipline tips being shared, plans for marathon training being devised, and stories about trips to other exotic places exchanged. All of this was laced with laughter and the belief that life was actually quite good. Perhaps imperfect, but overwhelmingly good. And perhaps that's what was exciting about these women's lives, not just the marathons or the trips.
After gaining new perspective, I have a deep desire to stop thinking about things I want to do, and actually do them. I've let money and time and fear keep me from pursuing these things that seem exciting to me for far too long, and so today, I'm setting a new course for myself and giving myself permission to go and learn and discover. To try. And to be excited about that.
And the first step, for me at least, is to make a list. So off I go to do so.
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