Do you ever have those moments in which everything you do seems so...unoriginal? I do.
I've battled with this for as long as I can remember, the feeling that whatever it is I'm good at, whatever it is I love doing, whatever it is that I am , shrinks down to nothing when I open myself up to the demon of comparison.
Do you ever do that?
It's the thing that kept me from trying out for the soccer team in high school.
It's the thing that kept me from taking a creative writing class in college.
It's the thing that made me overly self-conscious for most of my life.
It's the thing that kept me from admitting that I'm good at something. Anything.
It's the thing that kept me prisoner from my true self.
It's the thing that stole the freedom to be myself quite awhile ago, the thing from which I escaped, and the thing which I'm discovering has found a new way to hold me captive.
I've been absent from this little blog for awhile now. Sort of intentionally. Sort of coincidentally. Wrapping things up at work has taken a lot of my mental energy over the past few weeks, so I haven't had the will or the energy to put much thought into writing. I've missed it. There are many things pent up inside of me, and I'm (sort of) excited to get back to it.
But before I do in earnest, I'm doing some soul searching. I'm trying to figure out what it is I write about. I feel scattered and disorganized and full of excitement and passion, but no focus. I've been reading a lot of really wonderful blogs over the past few months, some that are inspiring, and some that just plain make me feel bad about myself. (A problem of my own, I admit.) The blogs I've been reading don't try to make me feel bad. They're just out there doing their thing, right? But when I read them, all I hear inside is, "And what is it you think you're doing? Why would anyone want to read what you have to say? What is it you have to say, anyway?" The little demon of comparison. At least I know it for what it is.
And yet, I'm still left reeling, trying to figure out what I'm doing. Or what I want to do. Why can't I just do my thing? What do I have to say? What do I have to offer? And why do I compare myself with the other bloggers out there (who seem to do it so easily), when deep down, I know that who I am and what I do matters?
I know there aren't a lot of you out there, but for those of you who happen to see this, can you answer a question for me? Why do you read what I write? What keeps you coming back? Why do you choose to spend any of your precious time sorting through these (somewhat scattered) posts?
I'm not asking because I want accolades or affirmation. I'm asking because I need perspective. And you, the people who read what I write, you are people I trust.
I'll be back soon. In what capacity? I'm not quite sure yet. But I promise that I'll be back. Until then, big hugs.
3 comments:
Ever since you sent me the link to your blog back in March, I have been eagerly checking every week to read your entries. What I love about your writing is your honesty and insight. At times I feel like you are writing down MY thoughts, as I completely relate to many of the experiences, emotions, and feelings you write about. Your writing is beautiful, and in fact yours is the only blog I do read. Don't ever get down about your writing, and please know that I--at the very least--will miss your blog if you don't continue. Keep it up Rachel, and I can't wait for the next one :)
Y-o-u. That's the biggest reason why I read. I want to know Rachel's perspective. I am sure no one else in the world thinks/acts/lives like you.
I used to wish my artistic "hand" looked like everyone's BUT mine. I still remember the one day it dawned on me that no one else can form letters like me or hold a brush like me...that God made me exactly who I am supposed to be. I might not be Bonnard but the world didn't need another Bonnard.
I think you are on the verge of finding who you are without the demon of comparison---Authentic Rachel. I want to be here reading along the way as you re-discover this uniqueness in yourself.
As my professor often says, "There is nothing more attractive than an authentic self." You are beautiful, Rachel!
Hi, I know I am a bit late in reading and replying to this but here I am anyways. I read your blog 1-because you are my friend and I want to know what is going on in your life 2-because like what the other ladies say you bring a perspective to my life about not being alone in how I am feeling.
I think honestly, and I believe I have heard this quote somewhere, that people read so they don't feel alone. I think by being vulnerable people connect, I think this is missing in every day life in our communities. We are too busy being "perfect" and "having it all together". Blogs can be a great way to say, hey I am not perfect..and people like that because its real and true.
We need to catch up!
Love ya!
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