Project 31 Day 28: Insecurity

Day 28.  Write about your insecurities as a woman.

Not so long ago, I wondered whether I would want to be friends with myself.

Have you ever done that? Sat back and thought about who you are--the good, the bad, the boring, the ordinary--and wondered if you would want to spend time with yourself if you happened to be someone else?  Would you accept an invitation to coffee, risking sitting in uncomfortable silence in hopes you would find a kindred spirit sitting across the table from you? I thought about this recently and I decided that yes, I would be friends with me.

It was a relief to come to that conclusion, actually. I cataloged myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, and I decided that I am beautifully imperfect, which makes me unique. Different. It gives me character. And those are the sorts of people I like to be friends with (don't you?).

When I was young, my babysitter Stephanie used to do all kinds of strange, out of the ordinary things to create fun for us, and we used to laugh at her and tell her she was weird. To this, she would reply, "I'm not weird; I'm gifted." And by saying so, she taught me that being true to yourself--who you really are at the core of yourself, quirkiness and all--is a beautiful gift to the world. There is no one else like you. There is no one else like me.

And yet, simply knowing this doesn't always help me feel confident. In fact, for most of my life, I have felt quite insecure about myself and about my gifts. I've questioned the way I look, the way I talk, the words I write, the things I create, the opinions I have. I've wondered if I'm ok--if I'm enough. I know I'm not alone in this. Women's hearts long to know they're enough. Pretty enough, clever enough, smart enough, original enough, intelligent enough. You name it, they wonder it.

 But enough for what? For whom? These are the questions I'm asking now. I've beaten myself up for years over the things that make me uniquely me.  Struggling with these things doesn't just go away with a snap of the fingers, but something that's helped me immensely is getting over myself. I've realized that the world is much bigger than just me (shocking, I know), and most people tend to struggle with the same things as I do. And if we all continue to let these thoughts and doubts take up precious time and space in our thought-life, won't we miss out on something much more important than these things? (Like, you know, other people?)

I came across this quote by Emily Dickinson today, and I love how her simple words capture the choice to put aside the doubt-filled self talk and choose instead to be available to the to being used to bring light and warmth into the life of someone else. 

They might not need me; but they might. I'll let my head be just in sight; 

a smile as small as mine might be precisely their necessity.
Emily Dickinson  

We aren't all the same. I'm not like you. You're not like me. Sometimes I might think I'm weird (or someone else might think I'm weird), but really, I'm gifted--and so are you. And my gifts might minister to your specific needs, just as yours might minister to mine.