Thoughts on Turning 30

I'm 30. There. I said it. I guess that means I've accepted it, right?

The truth is that 30 didn't scare me, at least, the idea of it hasn't scared me lately. When I was freshly 20 something, waiting for my life to "really begin" and lamenting the fact that it "never would," 30 sounded mature and grown up. People who were 30 surely had their lives together and weren't waiting for their life to happen to them. They were in it. Living it every day.

Now that I'm here, the way I see the last several years makes me realize that I was in my life, living it every day. The difference was that there were some major unfulfilled dreams hidden in my heart that laced my 20's with bitterness, loneliness and heartache. They set up camp in my heart and mind and overstayed their welcome. They distracted me from the real me. They took over my time and energy and left me without much to offer. The good news is that about halfway through my journey from 20 to 30, I kicked bitterness out, choosing to take God at his word and believe that his plans were good plans. But loneliness and heartache didn't leave right away. Eventually they moved along, but every once in awhile they've come back to visit. They still do, and I'm pretty sure they'll come around every so often as long as I'm here on Earth. I've learned how to deal with them, though.

But I learned that being bitter about the way my life was playing out was counterproductive. It distracted me from doing what I actually want to do, so instead of doing it, I just sat and got bitter about the fact that I wasn't doing it. Does that even make sense?

I decided awhile ago that it's not worth the time or energy to play that game. Focus on the things I do have, the wonderful things that I miss out on when I'm focused on me. I decided to take risks. To get outside of myself. To believe that most people are good and have pure intentions, and aren't out to hurt me or judge me or make me feel bad about myself. I learned that life isn't about me.

Entering my 30's felt like a banner day, if you ask me. It was a day where I got to bid adieu to a decade of heartache, and say hello to a fresh start. I feel like I've been given another chance to be the me that's always wanted to be free to be herself. Being 30 doesn't mean I have it all together, even though many good things have happened in my life recently and it may look like my heart is (or should be) completely fulfilled. But it's not. There are new desires, new beginnings, new challenges, and new lessons to be learned. There is a chance to find beauty in my imperfections, to believe that I'm here on Earth for something more than just making myself happy, and to live out my dreams, however big or small they are.

I'm welcoming 30 with open arms. And I'm ready for it to be a good year. Hard, perhaps. But good.