Confession

I have a confession to make. It feels awkward and weird, and I'm a little embarrassed to say it, but..well, that's the way confessions are, aren't they? Here it goes anyway.

This weekend, I felt pretty. Beautiful even.

There. I said it. Whew! Feels good to get it off my chest.

I haven't felt pretty in a long time. There have been moments in recent months when I wasn't sure I'd ever feel pretty again. But this last weekend, I took advantage of an opportunity  to wear more than just my same old pair of jeans and my too-big-for-me-now maternity hoodie, and I ended up experiencing more than I'd expected to experience.

We were going to a wedding, a wedding that just a few days ago I wondered what in the world I would wear to. I have no dresses or skirts to speak of, so I turned to a friend to borrow something appropriate. After trying to squeeze myself into one of her dresses (with no success, but a whole lot of laughter in the process), I ended up combining one of her cute tops with a pair of my black dress pants. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it would work fine anyway.

So Saturday morning came, and I decided that instead of feeling like I was wearing the only thing I could throw together to be somewhat appropriate, I'd embrace the outfit and enjoy wearing it. Not only that, but I was going to take the opportunity to get dressed up and enjoy it. And I did. I curled my hair, put it up, wore eye shadow that isn't my I-wear-it-everyday eyeshadow, and wore heels. Shoot, I even ended up painting my nails!

That day I felt feminine, more than anything, which I think is what made me feel pretty. It's not that I did all this stuff to myself and suddenly recognized some shred of beauty there; instead, I felt a little bit more myself that day because I was true to this deep feminine desire inside me for recognizing and embodying and enjoying beauty. I was very aware of beautiful things around me that day, from the warmth of the sun to the way a child smiles when they recognize someone they love. The deep blue of the hydrangeas. The way the white calla lilies looked more white and beautiful against the sparkling blue of the bridesmaid dresses. The tears the parents shed. The shy smile on the bride's face and the nervous smile of the groom's. The prayer the pastor said as he sealed the covenant between the two. The way my husband flirted and played with me. The hug of an old friend. I wasn't focused on myself or how I felt about myself, I was focused on enjoying the fact that I was enjoying beauty, and I felt like I was somehow a part of the beauty around me instead of an outside observer wishing I could join the club. I'm not sure that really captures the way I really felt, but it's the closest way I know how to explain it.

Anyway, it just so happens that a friend of mine wrote to me that night (or was it early Sunday morning) about the importance of recognizing and enjoying beauty. Of creating it. Of living a lifestyle of beauty, in a way. And she even wrote about it on her own blog (which you can read here), an entry that challenged me to recognize and appreciate beauty everyday, to make it a habit, not out of obligation, and not to make it one more thing I have to check off of my to-do list, but to do it out of a deep need for beauty.

I'm reminded of what John and Stasi Elderidge say about beauty, that it heals, that it inspires, that it somehow tells us that all is well, or all will be ok. Beauty brings life. To live a life without beauty is to not really live at all, I'm coming to discover. And I'm also realizing that it's ok for me to want to make things beautiful, and in fact, it's as natural for me to do so as it is for me to breathe.

Will you join me in helping to make the world a more beautiful place? Be it through a smile, through making your home a haven, through recognizing and admiring the beauty of others? Let's live a lifestyle that values beauty, not in a shallow, worldly way, but in the way beauty has always been valued by the Most Beautiful One of all.