Project 31: Day 6--Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

Sure it has. It currently is, in fact.

Sometimes I catch myself viewing girls the world defines as "pretty" or "beautiful" with a sort of cynicism, thinking all sorts of ugly thoughts about them, the world that thinks they're beautiful, and even myself in comparison. From my vantage point, there has always been a club of sorts, a society of those girls, the girls who everyone wants to be, strives to be. The girls who seem to always be perfect, in style, and, well, rude (gasp! Did I just say that?).

Am I the only one who's ever thought that?

In my observations lately, the world's definition of beauty seems to come with a pass to be discourteous to anyone who isn't "in their club." I admit there are likely many exceptions to this, but it seems that whenever I see someone who the world defines as beautiful, she happens to exhibit some sort of entitlement complex. Her behavior seems to say, "The world owes me this. I deserve that. I get to step all over you, because I am better than you."

The idea that someone is better because they are physically attractive makes me mad. And tired. And frustrated with my own beauty, because it will never measure up. It's too much work to keep up with a girl like that.

And then, in my moments of clarity, I acknowledge that there is a longing to be beautiful that runs deep within me, but I remind myself that the kind of beautiful I want to be is so much richer, complex, and multi-faceted than just the way I look on the outside. Oh, being pretty on the outside is certainly part of it, but it's not all of it, so why do I feel pressure to embody the world's definition of beautiful?

I'm not sure. I guess it's just hard to be in the world and not of it sometimes. I think we all have a deep longing to be accepted, to be acceptable, to be loved, and to be loveable. And the world seems to tell us that the only way we can be those things is if we fit this erroneous definition they've given to the word beauty.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this; my thoughts on this feel unfinished, but I'm not sure where to go next. I guess the truth is that I'm at a loss for how to make my mind right about all this stuff. It's a battle I've fought for so long, and I'm tired of it. I feel like I've asked the Lord to make this right in my heart for a long time, and every once in awhile, I feel like he has, but then there are those dark moments when I catch myself being cynical or feeling really terrible about myself. Why is it that I can see the real beauty in other women, but I have such a hard time seeing it in myself?

I think I'll end with that question. It's a question I'm going to ask myself a lot this week as I try to sort through all this. I'm going to start looking for the answer (and I'll let you know when I find it).