Do you ever have one of those days, the ones where all you want to do is curl up in bed and shut the world outside, but then when you do, nothing seems to get any better? That's my day today.
It all started last night when I essentially didn't sleep. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping these days. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable as the days go by, and getting discouraged right along with it because I there are three more months of this. Waking up every hour is frustrating, having to switch positions every time I wake up leaves me cranky and feeling like I'm a bother to my husband, and in those moments when I actually do drift off to sleep, I find myself in the middle of the strangest dreams I've ever had, dreams that are usually disturbing or horrifying. It makes for a terrible night sleep and a very sleepy me in the morning.
Last night was worse because my throat felt like it was on fire all night. No amount of water would quell this burn; I thought it was all because we had a fan on last night, but we always have a fan on and this doesn't happen. After I (finally) got up this morning, nothing seemed to help, and my body just felt "off." I've spent my day doing just about nothing, except sleeping, reading, and watching just a little bit of tv. I wish I could say I felt better now that the day's almost over, but I don't. On top of feeling physically crummy, I'm feeling emotionally crummy as well. It's as if I've lost all strength.
I think today I just want to complain, not because it makes anything better, but because sometimes complaining is the only thing that seems to validate my feelings. Does that ever happen to you?
And yet I know that complaining isn't exactly the "right" thing to do. I know deep down (well, not even all that deep down) that complaining often just makes things worse. The problem is, today I can't figure out what would make me feel better.
On top of feeling sick, I feel stuck in so many ways, like I know what I want to do, but am unable to do any of it. I feel like my life is at a standstill.
Oh, it's not all bad. There are lots of good things about life right now. My attitude, however, is what is bad today, and feeling sick makes it all worse. I'm over our life right now. I'm not over Joey, nor am I over the idea that we're going to be parents in three short months. But there are aspects of life I'm over. I'm over being at my parents' house (even though they are being incredibly gracious and generous), I'm over feeling like we are always just barely scraping by financially, I'm over feeling like we're not making any headway whatsoever in our quest to pay down our debt (oh, how I loathe you, student loans!). I'm over being frustrated with where we are in life, I guess.
Most days my attitude is better. Most days I can easily see all the good in our lives and every blessing the Lord has graciously given us. But today, all I want to do is feel normal again. I just don't feel like myself and I'm at a loss to know how to get back to that girl I used to know. I liked her. But this girl? She's sort of a mess.
But I guess in our own ways, we're all messes, aren't we? The encouraging thing is that God loves us in our messiness. He digs it when we tell him how much we need him, doesn't he? And that's the point: we need him. We can't go this alone. Life doesn't work without him. After all, the joy of the Lord is our strength, right? And today, when I feel devoid of all my reserves of the stuff, I need to go back to the source.
It all started last night when I essentially didn't sleep. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping these days. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable as the days go by, and getting discouraged right along with it because I there are three more months of this. Waking up every hour is frustrating, having to switch positions every time I wake up leaves me cranky and feeling like I'm a bother to my husband, and in those moments when I actually do drift off to sleep, I find myself in the middle of the strangest dreams I've ever had, dreams that are usually disturbing or horrifying. It makes for a terrible night sleep and a very sleepy me in the morning.
Last night was worse because my throat felt like it was on fire all night. No amount of water would quell this burn; I thought it was all because we had a fan on last night, but we always have a fan on and this doesn't happen. After I (finally) got up this morning, nothing seemed to help, and my body just felt "off." I've spent my day doing just about nothing, except sleeping, reading, and watching just a little bit of tv. I wish I could say I felt better now that the day's almost over, but I don't. On top of feeling physically crummy, I'm feeling emotionally crummy as well. It's as if I've lost all strength.
I think today I just want to complain, not because it makes anything better, but because sometimes complaining is the only thing that seems to validate my feelings. Does that ever happen to you?
And yet I know that complaining isn't exactly the "right" thing to do. I know deep down (well, not even all that deep down) that complaining often just makes things worse. The problem is, today I can't figure out what would make me feel better.
On top of feeling sick, I feel stuck in so many ways, like I know what I want to do, but am unable to do any of it. I feel like my life is at a standstill.
Oh, it's not all bad. There are lots of good things about life right now. My attitude, however, is what is bad today, and feeling sick makes it all worse. I'm over our life right now. I'm not over Joey, nor am I over the idea that we're going to be parents in three short months. But there are aspects of life I'm over. I'm over being at my parents' house (even though they are being incredibly gracious and generous), I'm over feeling like we are always just barely scraping by financially, I'm over feeling like we're not making any headway whatsoever in our quest to pay down our debt (oh, how I loathe you, student loans!). I'm over being frustrated with where we are in life, I guess.
Most days my attitude is better. Most days I can easily see all the good in our lives and every blessing the Lord has graciously given us. But today, all I want to do is feel normal again. I just don't feel like myself and I'm at a loss to know how to get back to that girl I used to know. I liked her. But this girl? She's sort of a mess.
But I guess in our own ways, we're all messes, aren't we? The encouraging thing is that God loves us in our messiness. He digs it when we tell him how much we need him, doesn't he? And that's the point: we need him. We can't go this alone. Life doesn't work without him. After all, the joy of the Lord is our strength, right? And today, when I feel devoid of all my reserves of the stuff, I need to go back to the source.
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