I need to vent. Big time.

Addie's sick. Again. She's not even four months old and already she's spent more time at home, sick, than I have in the last year.  I know her little body easily succumbs to icky germs a lot easier than my body does. It doesn't surprise me. But didn't she just get over this nasty cold, like, a week ago?

To further complicate things, the daycare provider has a son of her own, just about a year old now, who has gotten sick, too. Between her own illnesses and her son's, we've had to skip daycare a few times above and beyond Addie's own sickness. I've spent so much time away from work this month that I can't figure out why I'm still working at all. If money is the reason, then that reason is shot this month. The only way we've been able to make things work is that Joey's been able to pick up extra clinic hours here and there (thank you Jesus). But the problem with that is he rarely sees his daughter. The only real time he gets to spend with her lately is in the middle of the night when he's changing her diaper. Makes my heart break a little bit each time I think about that.


Anyway, tonight there are so many worries on my mind and in my heart clouding up my thoughts and messing with my emotions. They tested Addie for whooping cough today. They don't think that's what she has, but they wanted to make sure, just in case since there is, after all, an epidemic of it in California right now. Talk about scary. Every time I hear her stir tonight, or cough in her sleep, or gasp for air after a coughing bout, my eyes smart as I try to blink back the tears.

And yet, I know that worrying won't get me anywhere. I know where I should cast my cares (I have), I know who I should run to with all this (I did), and I know who, ultimately, will take care of Addie, of us. In 1 Peter 5:7 it gives us a clear message for what we should do in times like these: "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you" (NLT). And I know he does. But it just feels like we're doing everything we know how to do to rely on God and trust in His timing, but we find ourselves spinning and dizzy from the crazy things that get thrown in our path.

The thing that gets me fired up even more is that I know I'm not alone in this. I know there are so many moms out there whose heart is at home, whose deep desire is to be the one raising their children. I know my heart is not the only one that's breaking. And I know Joey is not the only dad out there frustrated by the fact that he can't seem to make his income stretch far enough to make it possible for his wife to stay home with his daughter, despite the fact that he earns a very good income. I'm so furious that this is the way the world is now: that mothers are not able to do what is in their heart to do, what God designed them to do.

For the moms out there that can and do stay home, I applaud you. I know it can't be easy, for a variety of reasons--and not just because you make things work on one income. I know being a stay at home mom isn't the end-all, be-all to your existence. I know you are smart and creative and passionate and driven people who are capable of doing many great things. And I know there must be many lonely days in which you are desperate for adult interaction or even days when you feel unappreciated, alone, frustrated, and ready to give up.

And yet, I am so jealous of you. I admit it. I'm not afraid to say it. I wish it weren't true. I'm asking the Lord to take this desire away from my heart if this isn't what He has for me, but the opposite is actually happening. The desire is getting stronger, and as a result, I'm getting more and more frustrated. I'm not quite miserable, but I'm very close. What makes things worse is that we've tried to make things work financially on one income, and the numbers just won't work out. I know that sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and do what seems impossible, knowing that God really will take care of us. But right now, that seems irresponsible. Our bills still have to be paid, you know what I mean? And it's not like we can cut back on much. We live very simply; we just don't really have places where we can reduce our spending. I keep trying to find them, but they keep eluding me.

Anyway, I hadn't meant for this to turn into an angry rant or a desperate cry for help. But it sure turned out that way, didn't it? I feel like I'm pretty close to being at the end of my rope, and I needed to vent. I don't really feel much better right now, but, well, I feel like maybe I let out a little of the steam that's been building up inside of me.

I'm heading to bed so that I can try to get a little bit of sleep in before the little girl wakes up. I'm exhausted.