Contentedness and faith. For me, right now, they go hand in hand.
Over the past year or so, I found myself at a place where I felt like I’d already been before. Life felt circular, but not in a good way. Whereas I thought that my life was finally coming together, that things were falling into place, that the things I dreamed of were finally becoming a reality, I somehow found myself back at square one. Let me explain.
After Joey and I got married, life was on an upswing. It was easy to be content because everything was good. It was easy to have faith that God provided for my every need and desire because those things were so obvious to me. Building a home and a life together was satisfying on a very deep level, and the way I felt about nearly everything else in life was influenced by the way I felt about our new life together. When we found out I was pregnant, it was a surprise that first shocked and then delighted my soul, but I quickly found myself worried about how we would make things work. We had, after all, just made a big decision that made this joy seem a little bit, well, difficult.
That decision was to move in with my parents for a year so we could put money away for a home of our own. We had started doing the Dave Ramsey program to work our way toward financial freedom, and my parents’ offer for us to move in with them seemed like an answer to prayer. Even so, it was an idea that wasn’t exactly easy for me to get on board with. I mean, Joey and I would be living in the room I grew up in, the room where boys weren’t exactly allowed. Having him there with me—wouldn’t it feel wrong? And didn’t I just move out? Wouldn’t moving back in feel like taking two steps back? And then, when we got the news that our little Addie would be making her appearance halfway through our year there, I panicked. I hated the idea that I wouldn’t have a home of my own to bring my darling little daughter home to. And then I got frustrated that I wouldn’t be able to stay home with her, that we would be forced to put her in childcare.
The more I thought about it, the more I struggled to figure out how it would all work. My parents’ house isn’t terribly large, and my older brother would also be living there with us. We’d give up our privacy, or sense of independence, and our new sense of home, among other things. And how in the world would we pay for childcare? And how would I deal with the fact that we were paying someone else to watch our child only eight weeks after she was born? But we moved in anyway, Joey full of faith that this was an opportunity God put on the table for us, and that it was the best decision for us right then. So I just sort of going along with it, fueled by his faith that all would be well.
And all is well, overall. Living here has worked out better than I expected. I recognize that it was a huge blessing to have such wonderful support and help, both financially and with a new baby. Still, I struggle to be content with where we are in life, and I struggle with having faith that God will lead us on to the next thing, providing for us along the way. There are unmet desires in my heart still, things I long for, things that seem unreachable or impossible. It is in this place that God is teaching me two things: to be content with what he’s given me and to have faith that he will take care of the rest.
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