Project 31 Day 13: Write about something you would like to change about yourself for the better.

Conflict. I dread it. Loathe it. Avoid it whenever I can. 

The biggest problem I have with conflict is that I struggle with owning my feelings and opinions. I have a difficult time speaking up when I do not like something, or when something does not sit well with me, or when my opinion is contrary to what seems to be most widely accepted. Sometimes I even have a hard time verbalizing what is bothering me in the first place. I often find myself choking down my feelings, miserable as it might make me, in an attempt to avoid conflict.

People have called me a peacemaker, and they have said that is the reason I hate conflict. But the more I think about it, I am starting to think it is more accurate to call me a peace keeper. Making peace often requires engaging in a conflict; it involves having the courage to face conflict for the purpose of making things better. But keeping peace? Being a peace keeper suggests maintaining peace by avoiding conflict altogether. That is what I tend to do, but I do not want to do that anymore.

I am not saying I want to go around picking fights. Not at all. I would just like to be able to not shy away from conflict when I come face to face with it. I would like to be a true peacemaker, to be able to engage in conflict in a healthy, productive way. I would like to be brave enough to risk voicing my thoughts, opinions and feelings in difficult situations. I would like to believe what I think and feel matter, and I would like to have the courage to act on those things.